3 Spanish Food Things I'm Obsessed With

A beverage, a condiment and a philosophy.

Horchata + a friend.

It is HOT in Valencia. June, and the first half of July, was a lovely heat. You perpetually want a cold drink but you can wear long pants and socks. You can cycle in the middle of the day. You can spend a day at the beach and enjoy sunbathing. But alas in the last week, something has shifted I fear and the whole city feels it. It’s too damn hot. It’s no longer enjoyable to wander down the narrow side streets, popping into vintage clothing shops and artisanal ice cream cafés every now and again. You can’t sit in the park for hours, reading, smoking weed, napping. You can’t even sit in your apartment unless the AC is on FULL blast. And anyone who knows me, knows that keeping the AC on all the time kind of kills my soul.

The only thing to do is languish.

And drink horchata. Horchata is a controversial drink, although not among Valencians. It is chalky, sickly sweet, made from Tiger Nuts (of the potato family?) and it is pervasive! Emily told me that Ellen refers to is “milky nut juice” and, readers, I couldn’t give you a better description than that. Horchaterias, they are called, exist on nearly every street in Valencia. They come in mini carts, kind of like hot dogs in New York. They come in grand buildings, with ornate marble floors, like an upmarket cocktail bar. They sell it in McDonalds, they sell it in Irish pubs. Valencia is not Valencia without horchata.

Usually, there is a deal. In American they have coffee and donuts, in Ireland it’s lucozade and a chicken fillet roll. In Valencia, the thing to do is have horchata and fartones. What a ridiculous name for such a phallic treat! It is a stick of soft bread covered in icing. Not fluffy buttercream icing but the stuff made from sugar and water that you put on fairy cakes. They cheap stuff, that is almost silver, the good stuff.

Here’s where it gets weird. Friends, enemies, comrades, the thing you have to do is dip the fartone into the horchata. And then eat it. It feels incredibly strange, in some ways, sexual? It is divine.

You may not be sold at first, but please, keep trying. Because in every young man’s life there comes a moment where he must step out into the blazing Valencian heat, sweat his balls off and be soothed by the milky nut juice. It is transformative, honestly. It made me reflect on how our ancestors really knew what they were doing. It’s kind of incredible how food perfectly suits the geography of a place. The best place to drink Guinness is Ireland, not just because it’s made there but because it’s made for there. Something about damp cold air, fog on windows, the smell of rotting wood just makes Guinness all the more comforting and delicious. It’s the same with horchata. It wouldn’t be nice anywhere else but in the unbearable heat, it is the only thing that will do.

Leo recently bought a t-shirt that says, in Catalan, “without horchata, there is no revolution” and I am inclined to agree.

Aioli

Spread it on toast! Have it with a Spanish omelette, dip fried potatoes into it, stir it into coffee, use it as a face moisturiser, bathe in it, drink it! Just DON’T call it garlic mayonnaise. Please don’t do it the disservice of misunderstanding what it is. I implore you to watch this video of Alison Roman making aioli from scratch, you will be transfixed and you’ll get what I mean. You don’t keep it in the fridge, it’s not mayonnaise. In thirty six degree heat, you keep it in the press, it doesn’t spoil, it is not mayonnaise.

If anything, it’s closer to a creamy vinegar where mayo is more of a vinegary cream? It’s sharper, far more intense, it bites back! You can buy patatas bravas seasoning here (it’s just paprika, onion powder, salt, oregano, cayenne pepper, cumin and garlic powder, if you’d like to make some at home) and I’ve been mixing the seasoning into the aioli, along with a splash of water. Have a dollop of it on a slice of Spanish omelette and you’ve got yourself a feast.

I am very interested in making some from scratch but honestly, it seems like magic and I am but a lowly pleb. Leave it to the experts! Says I. I haven’t tried this yet but I imagine substituting mayonnaise for aioli when making potato salad would be just divine. It would also solve the problem of potato salad getting weird and gross in the heat (a tragedy) because aioli doesn’t spoil. I would boil the spuds, chop them into small chunks, coat in aioli, add chives and fake bacon (or real bacon!), black pepper and maybe some kale from some crunch and green. A wonderful, wonderful time for all! And gluten free!

Things that are both Sweet and Salty

We all know that things that are both hot and cold are very good. Hot brownie with ice cream, banana fritter, cold lettuce with hot meat on a sandwich. But move aside hot and cold, it’s time for sweet and salty!! Sea salt flakes on a chocolate chip cookie, extra virgin olive oil with pistachio ice cream, orange blossom honey with Manchego cheese. Shut. Up.

It’s kind of weird, it’s lovely. And we’ve been doing it for years without realising. Popcorn and coke. Cranberry sauce on turkey. Hell, pasta and tomato sauce. Tomatoes are actually very sweet (they are, after all, a fruit) but paired with salt they achieve an amazing depth and then with cheese on top of that, it’s like, supernatural. We all know this. But why stop at tomatoes? Welcome to Spain in 2024, we are talking about fluffy whipped goats cheese with charred peach tucked carefully into a flaky croissant, we’re talking about burnt butter and chocolate pretzels, we’re talking about HONEY AND CHEESE. They slice cheese here like we slice cake in Ireland. In a perfect triangle. And the icing is good quality, local honey. Grapes and cheese works too. Apples aren’t a huge thing here but cheddar and apple is divine.

Let’s take it a step further, chilli flakes in chocolate bars, a tuna and orange sandwich. Did you know that churros can be sweet or savory? It’s almost the same dough as a bagel! So it’s a neutral dough, that contains salt, dipped in a rich dark chocolate sauce, so think it’s almost pudding. This isn’t a uniquely Spanish thing but espresso and tonic water is popping up everywhere. Some places are putting a slice of lemon in it as well. This follows the same logic, naturally carbonated water is almost salty, because it’s much richer in minerals and mixed with an espresso that has notes of chocolate or caramel is going to enhance the sweetness and saltiness of both. Adding a lemon to that mix is insane but I’m here for it. Long live chaos!

Citrus and salt/spice are also mixed here. We all know from Margaritas that this is a lethally good combination but I’m still exploring other iterations. So far, I’ve seen spicy orange sorbet, tabasco cider and hot sauce and honey lemon dressing on a salad. We live in a crazy, crazy world. I encourage you to do something insane like throw some olive oil and salt on your ice cream, pair your iced caramel latte with a tomato salad. Do it. In ten years, it’s gonna be totally normal I promise.